


how it should feel

by teaearlgreyhot



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: F/F, Oz is present but asleep the entire time, my girls are in love no offence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-06
Updated: 2018-01-06
Packaged: 2019-03-01 08:27:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,176
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13291011
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/teaearlgreyhot/pseuds/teaearlgreyhot
Summary: Willow takes Buffy along on a camping trip with Oz the summer before university. The girls discover themselves, and each other.





	how it should feel

The summer after junior year, Willow was miserable. She was constantly trying to distract herself from bad thoughts about Buffy never coming back because she hated her, she was too miserable to ever recover, or the one reason she’d never let herself think about. 

Exactly one year later, and everything was different. Everything was better. 

 

Willow could see the stars so clearly. Sunnydale certainly wasn't LA when it came to light pollution, but it wasn't perfect. Being in the middle of the woods, her crystals charging under the moon and her best friend sleeping next to her while the stars watched, Willow could feel the Goddess more clearly than ever. 

 

She hadn't even been sure if she should bring Buffy. Feeling her sleeping boyfriend’s arms around her in their shared sleeping bag, she was aware that this probably wasn't what he expected when he suggested a camping trip. Maybe it was awful to lie and say that her parents wouldn't let her go unless Buffy came too. No, not maybe. It was definitely awful, especially because Oz had been so understanding about it. 

 

It was stupid of Willow, not wanting to be alone in the woods with Oz. She knew it was just nerves. Their first time had been nice! It really had been. The times after that… they weren't important. She had just been anxious and awkward, as usual. The empty feeling she got after was because she was afraid nothing would live up to their first time, and that she’d always be bad at sex. She needed to get over that, she kept telling herself, and she knew making Buffy tag along to what was supposed to be a romantic weekend alone wasn't going to help with that. 

 

And yet, looking at Buffy’s sleeping face, just barely touched by the moonlight that made its way through the trees, Willow couldn't seem to regret her decision. Buffy seemed so peaceful. Like the stars, like the air, like the amethyst above Willow’s pillow. Slowly, Willow moved her arm out of the sleeping bag and touched Buffy's hand with her own. Maybe she could feel that tranquility. 

 

When Buffy’s eyes opened, Willow’s heart practically leaping out of its chest was the opposite of the desired effect. Oz might have been a comically heavy sleeper, but Buffy was not. Willow knew that. Why did she do that? Stupid spur of the moment choice, she woke Buffy up and she had no way to explain herself. Would Buffy think it's weird that Willow was practically holding her hand? She could just say it was an accident. Or is it more weird to try and justify it? 

Willow’s panicked train of thought was cut off by Buffy quietly talking. 

“Think you can get out of that sleeping bag without waking him up? I want to take a walk.” Willow simply nodded and scooted, in an undignified but unavoidable way, out of the neck, leaving Oz alone. 

 

The girls walked together for the first five minutes in silence, leaving Willow a lot of time to overthink. Since when did Buffy like taking silent friendship walks? That had never been a thing, outside of patrolling, and they even talked then unless they were trying to be stealthy. Was she patrolling the woods? No, that didn't make sense. Did she want to talk about the weird hand holding but she didn't know how? 

 

Buffy stopped walking when they came upon a small creek. 

“So,” Buffy said, sitting on a log that was only just big enough for the both of them, “Since when do your parents do the whole ‘boundaries’ thing?”

 

Oh. That was a lot worse than talking about the hand holding incident. Buffy knew Willow had lied. Willow swallowed hard, trying to come up with a good reason, but Buffy spoke before she got the chance. 

“Will… Oz isn't pressuring you is he? Is he making you uncomfortable?” 

 

Willow jumped to her boyfriend's defense. 

“No! No, of course not. It's Oz, you know Oz, he's great. He wouldn't do that.” Buffy shrugged. Willow knew Buffy had a lot of experience with guys being awful, especially after sleeping together, but Oz was nothing like that. On top of the whole ‘keeping his soul’ thing, Oz had been nothing but respectful and gentle. Which just made Willow feel more guilty about dreading it every time. 

“So what  _ is _ it about, then?” Buffy asked, her eyebrows raising as she looked up at Willow. Willow sat next to Buffy and took a deep breath. 

“...I don't know. I think I'm doing it wrong. Does that sound crazy? I just, it, it doesn't feel like...good. Like I want it to.” 

 

Buffy looked genuinely concerned. She took Willow’s hand, and Willow felt her heart jump. Sort of like it had the last time their hands touch, when Buffy woke up, but different in a way she couldn't put her finger on. 

“What's it feel like?”

“Like I'm not there, sometimes. Like I’m outside of my body? Which sounds even crazier. But mostly just like I wanna throw up. And I know I'm just nervous, and I'll get over it, it's just-”

“Sex isn't supposed to be like that.” Buffy cut her off, sounding serious and almost sad. “I was nervous with Angel, but it wasn't like that. It was nice. More than nice, it was like we were the only two people in the world, but that was okay, ‘cause we didn't need anyone else.” Willow could tell that Buffy was momentarily lost in her memories, but then she came back to reality and made sympathetic eye contact. “Is it ever like that with Oz?” 

 

It wasn't. Not even that first time, it wasn't even close. 

Willow stayed quiet, looking down at her own hands. 

 

There was a long stretch of silence, and then Willow felt Buffy’s hand on her chin, gently making her look up into Buffy’s eyes. 

“I want to try something.” Buffy almost whispered, and then time stopped. Buffy’s lips were on Willow’s, just barely, but they were kissing and Willow felt light pouring through her entire body. Buffy was kissing her and she felt more in that moment than she ever had with Oz or Xander. It was magic in its purest form. 

 

The kiss seemed to last forever, but still it was over too quickly. Buffy’s voice brought Willow back to reality. 

“How did that feel?” She asked, her eyes wide and her lips hinting at a smile. Willow had no words to answer, but an unbeatable urge overcame her, and she leaned in for another kiss. 

 

-

 

The sun came up as Willow and Buffy laid facing each other, arms intertwined, catching their breath, with their clothes in a dirty heap a foot away from them. Quietly, into Willow’s neck, Buffy repeated her question from before. 

 

How did it feel? It felt like being awake for the first time. It felt like coming home from a journey you never thought would end. It felt like enlightenment. 

“It felt like it should’ve.” 

**Author's Note:**

> Okay honestly I don't love this fic. I feel like Willow probably wouldn't cheat on Oz again, even though this time it's cause she's a lesbian and not just because she has low self esteem. But this has been in my google drive for months, as I've wanted to fix it, and I haven't come up with anything better so I'm just publishing it as is, because I like the parts that I like too much to never publish it. Which is a long and rambling way of saying that constructive criticism is my best friend who is always always always welcome.


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